I have always prided myself in my ability to be independent.
Independent of other people, financially and emotionally. I , like most have
experienced people's inability to frank and loyal. These events have shaped my
thinking and molded me into a very distrusting human being. I am finding that I
trust NO ONE. I mean NO ONE. Distrust is at my very core, it follows me into
ever situation. I find that even in
conversations with my husband, I feel he has an agenda. Now don't get me wrong,
he could have an agenda, it's not foreign to him, but if he didn't, I wouldn't
believe it. What kind of person that makes me is still out for the jury. Am I a
smart African American woman for trusting no one, or will i just become an old,
alone, cat lady (well, cats are unlikely since I don't co-sign to the notion of
pets)?
These feelings were brought up from a conversation I had
with my hubby today. We were speaking on the concept of having kids and where
we would raise them. The subject of where came up because we live in a place he
loves and I not so much. Hawaii is really a place for tourist. Living here is
much different. It is also night and day for a male to move here than it is for
a female. I am in a weird and small bracket of women out here. I'm in my early thirties,
married, with no kids. I don't fit in to the mom group and I don't fit in with
the single ladies group. So I am left to forge on essentially on my own. My
husband however made friends with the locals the week we got here. Another
piece of the puzzle is finances. This is always sticky in relationships, which
is true for us as well. See I make the lion's share of our combined salaries,
so therefore a lot of what we have taken on financially falls on me. Now my
husband gets uncomfortable whenever this is spoken out loud. Which I can
slightly understand, but the truth is the truth.
We were discussing the possibility of moving since I seem to
be less than enthusiastic about our current environment. I brought up that
geography probably has nothing to do with it. My reason for saying this is that
my husband is a free spirit. He quit his job shortly after our honeymoon, went
without a job for 2 months, then decided to drive for Uber and start his own
car service business. Well in order to do this, one needs a fairly new car. So
we purchased one. Now, my point about geography is this. My husband feels so
free because our combined salaries support his freedom. If I provide the lion's
share of that salary, then I can't earn less than what I currently earn or it
will have a ripple effect. Now to give some background, I currently hate what I
do. I am overworked, like 13 hour days on the regular overworked and by the
time I get home, all I long for is sleep and hope the next day I don't have to
do it again. Now, this will always be
because we are who we are. When this
subject was brought up in our conversation, my hubby got upset and supposedly
"overwhelmed" by the conversation, and left the house. Yes, he left
the house.
Now I believe that I go above and beyond for those I love
and I believe most would attest that is true. I just don't understand walking
away. It leaves the other party feeling alone and abandoned. At least, that's
how it makes me feel. I feel I am always left holding the burden and having to
figure things out. I thought that was the point of a marriage, to be partners.
Sometimes I feel these discussions are orchestrated to allow him to do whatever
he wants to do because he knows I won't cause a fuss. I won't yell, I'll just
let it go. The detriment he does not see is the more I don't speak on things
,the further apart we get.
Did I mention, we also have not had sex since we got
back from the honeymoon? Yeah! First it was that he was depressed, then he just
doesn't talk about it. What woman, whose husband doesn't have sex with her for
3 months, doesn't suspect something is going on?
I always have a sense that I am being made a fool of. I get
that is my issue, BUT good Lord, can he not help it along. I don't know
peoples. I don't have answers today, just needed a place to vent. I need to get
to the throne room and rest for a minute. There, I know I'll get something.
Until then, God love.
