Trust

I have always prided myself in my ability to be independent. Independent of other people, financially and emotionally. I , like most have experienced people's inability to frank and loyal. These events have shaped my thinking and molded me into a very distrusting human being. I am finding that I trust NO ONE. I mean NO ONE. Distrust is at my very core, it follows me into ever situation.  I find that even in conversations with my husband, I feel he has an agenda. Now don't get me wrong, he could have an agenda, it's not foreign to him, but if he didn't, I wouldn't believe it. What kind of person that makes me is still out for the jury. Am I a smart African American woman for trusting no one, or will i just become an old, alone, cat lady (well, cats are unlikely since I don't co-sign to the notion of pets)?

These feelings were brought up from a conversation I had with my hubby today. We were speaking on the concept of having kids and where we would raise them. The subject of where came up because we live in a place he loves and I not so much. Hawaii is really a place for tourist. Living here is much different. It is also night and day for a male to move here than it is for a female. I am in a weird and small bracket of women out here. I'm in my early thirties, married, with no kids. I don't fit in to the mom group and I don't fit in with the single ladies group. So I am left to forge on essentially on my own. My husband however made friends with the locals the week we got here. Another piece of the puzzle is finances. This is always sticky in relationships, which is true for us as well. See I make the lion's share of our combined salaries, so therefore a lot of what we have taken on financially falls on me. Now my husband gets uncomfortable whenever this is spoken out loud. Which I can slightly understand, but the truth is the truth.

We were discussing the possibility of moving since I seem to be less than enthusiastic about our current environment. I brought up that geography probably has nothing to do with it. My reason for saying this is that my husband is a free spirit. He quit his job shortly after our honeymoon, went without a job for 2 months, then decided to drive for Uber and start his own car service business. Well in order to do this, one needs a fairly new car. So we purchased one. Now, my point about geography is this. My husband feels so free because our combined salaries support his freedom. If I provide the lion's share of that salary, then I can't earn less than what I currently earn or it will have a ripple effect. Now to give some background, I currently hate what I do. I am overworked, like 13 hour days on the regular overworked and by the time I get home, all I long for is sleep and hope the next day I don't have to do it again.  Now, this will always be because we are who we are.  When this subject was brought up in our conversation, my hubby got upset and supposedly "overwhelmed" by the conversation, and left the house. Yes, he left the house.

Now I believe that I go above and beyond for those I love and I believe most would attest that is true. I just don't understand walking away. It leaves the other party feeling alone and abandoned. At least, that's how it makes me feel. I feel I am always left holding the burden and having to figure things out. I thought that was the point of a marriage, to be partners. Sometimes I feel these discussions are orchestrated to allow him to do whatever he wants to do because he knows I won't cause a fuss. I won't yell, I'll just let it go. The detriment he does not see is the more I don't speak on things ,the further apart we get. 

Did I mention, we also have not had sex since we got back from the honeymoon? Yeah! First it was that he was depressed, then he just doesn't talk about it. What woman, whose husband doesn't have sex with her for 3 months, doesn't suspect something is going on?

I always have a sense that I am being made a fool of. I get that is my issue, BUT good Lord, can he not help it along. I don't know peoples. I don't have answers today, just needed a place to vent. I need to get to the throne room and rest for a minute. There, I know I'll get something.

Until then, God love.

Hurt & Crazy

It's in these times, he makes me feel crazy. However, I am sure I am not. I don't dream just to dream. Something is going on. I fear the worst without hoping for the best, which I guess once written on paper sounds like an awful way to live. It is my burden, my cross. Trust is paramount for me in all relationship. Once broken, it effects every part of me. Last year I lost trust in all my relationships. All. Suffice to say it was a rough year. Now add, moving to what seems like another country, getting engaged and married, and living with a new person 24/7. It's weird, because this is the first time in my life that I don't feel equipped to handle things. I don't feel like super woman anymore. I don't know where she went, or maybe she was never there... I certainly don't know. All I know is I am currently a mess and it's only the 3rd day of the year. Should this be a sign?
I used to know exactly where I was, who I was, and where I wanted to end up. What happened. I guess over time, I did actually feel the effects of my life. I thought I was handling it, but it seems by the stark reflection in the mirror, I lost that battle. Is he all that I think he is, or am I wrong in that to? Am I happy? Better question, can I be happy? Everyone seems to be doing better without me. So free they seem. Maybe I've been the issue the whole time. I look back and I can't pinpoint what I did wrong, I keep scouring, it's killing me not to know. I just want to find it, so I can fix it, and be better again. I'm a fixer, it's what I do. Why can't I seem to fix myself? How useful is the gift, if I can't help myself?

Hours later...
 I seem to have found my issue. In the last year, everyone has disappeared. It seems that the moment I help them get to where they are good, I am tossed away. Hence the underlying fear of my husband, getting better, then leaving. I have somehow formed  my worth in what I do for others and now that there is but one person left I do for, it seems for my own health, I need to find my worth in just being me, and perhaps in that journey find who me is. I have a faint glimmer of hope I will like her and this journey how be it tiresome and strenuous.

As always, thanks for listening. It truly does help.

Aloha.

Day 1

Today being the first day of the year, I enter in with determination and a little bit of trepidation. I know this year needs to be better than last. Is that for me to do or is that for God. I've come to the conclusion that if I simply put one foot in front of the other everyday with a goal in mind and do, God will take care of the rest. Being in God's island of Maui gives me a different perspective on life. If Maui does anything to a human, it should cause humility and pause. The moment you realize how vast and amazing the world around you is, is the moment to stop and breathe and realize you are nothing. You are just a little speck. However, with that realization comes determination to matter. I say to myself, "I might be a speck, but this speck is going to make herself know!" "She will shake up the world" How? Not quite sure yet, but realizing that is a part of the journey. Putting ones gifts out there for the world to see and be still to see what sticks.

This year has a lot in store for me, and I'm elated about it. I have a wedding to plan, I have a business to start and run, and family and friends to pay attention to and love with all that is in me. My challenges this year are intertwine with my goals, so there is no giving up, just winning!

Aloha 2016, I am glad you are here. Let's be friends, shall we!

Hawaiian Time

So we wake up this morning and hubby to be jumps in the shower. I stay laying down because I had a really good night of sleep thanks to the muscle relaxers I am currently taking for my lower back pain since we are currently on a air mattress situation. Anyways, I wait for a while thinking the boo is in the shower, but then realize it's been too long. Suddenly, I hear a faint noise that sounds like a shriek, I hear it again, then again. Most people would knock and check on their significant partner, but I decided he's a weird guy, so only God knows what he is doing. I'm going to leave that alone and enjoy my rest. He finally gets out of the shower, and I ask him what all the noise was about. He tells me we have no hot water and the faucet is broken. I look down on the floor as he is speaking, and there is a trail of water now flowing through my closet! A little back story. We have been in this place for only 2 weeks, and it seems that every morning something else breaks! It's been quite frustrating. Any way I immediately send a stern yet polite text to the property manager, and the landlord asking for them to get their behinds over to our place so we can at least get a good shower! I don't think that's too much to ask.

Well, first a handy man shows up at 9am. Mind you I am supposed to be at work by 9am. So of course I send my boss a message letting him know I will be a little late to work.... or so I thought. The handy man looks at everything that's broken, which there was a long list. He fixes what he can, but informs me he is not a plumber and will have to get someone else out to my home to look at the faucet. I tell him we also have no hot water, so we decide to take a walk downstairs to look at the water heater that is based in the garage. We walk into the garage and lo and behold it is flooded. I guess that's where all our hot water went! Goodness. It just gets gooder and gooder. So he tells me he will get a plumber out asap and he should be arriving asap. I asked for a time frame and he simply shrugs his shoulder and smirks as if to say, "This is hawaii lady, we don't give time frames". So instead of saying that, he just says"he will be here soon". This was around 11am. Well, 12pm rolls by, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, I finally text the guy and ask for an eta. I get back "he is on his way". It is now 4:30pm and this young, must be mid 20's surfer looking kid is at my door. Apparently, this is my plumber.

He says, "What's up, I'm Zach" and proceeds to come in. He goes straight into the bathroom as I calmly yet inwardly furiously explain to him what had been going on all morning. Mid sentence he stops me and says "Oh that sounds serious, I might not be able to work on that today". Inside I'm screaming "The hell you won't!", but I simply say, "Oh, why is that?". He goes on to inspect the issue as if I had not just asked the question. Now you know the Nigerian in me just wanted to go off on this guy, but I'm trying to grab on to the Hawaii spirit, so I let it go. He goes downstairs to inspect the flood in the garage and comes back and says he will be able to fix the problem. While he is fixing the issue, we go through some small talk and I find that he just moved to the Island about 2-3 years ago. I honestly just thought to myself, " Wow, I guess it doesn't take a long time to adopt Hawaiian Time". The locals had warned me that nothing moves fast here, and I thought they were exaggerating, but my whole work day spent waiting for people to fix things has sure proved them right. I guess if you can't beat em, join em. So my new resolution is to try and work on adopting Hawaiian time. I let you know how that goes!

Alright, good night world!