It's in these times, he makes me feel crazy. However, I am sure I am not. I don't dream just to dream. Something is going on. I fear the worst without hoping for the best, which I guess once written on paper sounds like an awful way to live. It is my burden, my cross. Trust is paramount for me in all relationship. Once broken, it effects every part of me. Last year I lost trust in all my relationships. All. Suffice to say it was a rough year. Now add, moving to what seems like another country, getting engaged and married, and living with a new person 24/7. It's weird, because this is the first time in my life that I don't feel equipped to handle things. I don't feel like super woman anymore. I don't know where she went, or maybe she was never there... I certainly don't know. All I know is I am currently a mess and it's only the 3rd day of the year. Should this be a sign?
I used to know exactly where I was, who I was, and where I wanted to end up. What happened. I guess over time, I did actually feel the effects of my life. I thought I was handling it, but it seems by the stark reflection in the mirror, I lost that battle. Is he all that I think he is, or am I wrong in that to? Am I happy? Better question, can I be happy? Everyone seems to be doing better without me. So free they seem. Maybe I've been the issue the whole time. I look back and I can't pinpoint what I did wrong, I keep scouring, it's killing me not to know. I just want to find it, so I can fix it, and be better again. I'm a fixer, it's what I do. Why can't I seem to fix myself? How useful is the gift, if I can't help myself?
Hours later...
I seem to have found my issue. In the last year, everyone has disappeared. It seems that the moment I help them get to where they are good, I am tossed away. Hence the underlying fear of my husband, getting better, then leaving. I have somehow formed my worth in what I do for others and now that there is but one person left I do for, it seems for my own health, I need to find my worth in just being me, and perhaps in that journey find who me is. I have a faint glimmer of hope I will like her and this journey how be it tiresome and strenuous.
As always, thanks for listening. It truly does help.
Aloha.
No comments:
Post a Comment